Friday, January 7, 2011

Learning how not to Cheat Myself

Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater!!

Only a few days into this health and fitness thing I find myself struggling with a reoccurring theme in my previous health attempts-cheating! I know almost 0% about the origins of my desire to sneak/hide/cheat when it comes to my food options but it has some kind of stronghold on me.

Yesterday was a struggle.

I adhere to a 1,400 calorie limit and try to plan my meals in advance to keep impulses or hunger pangs from guiding my food decisions. Yet, I'm notorious for eating breakfast, leaving the house around 11am and being without snacks or even water sometimes for hours. I rush home in the afternoon and now my empty belly is deciding what I should eat and not me. Yesterday was sort of one of those days only this time by dinner I was in hunger panic mode..long story short I had a great dinner but since I was starving by the time I ate it my resolve had weakened. I was allowed 1 piece of 50 calorie dark chocolate after dinner but I wanted a second piece...and it was CALLING my name.

All types of things were running through my head..."It's only another 50 calories", "You worked out really hard today so you deserve it", "I could just borrow from tomorrow's calories and it'll even out in the end". Actually a couple of those arguments hold a little weight but by giving into this impulse I'm breaking the rules and guideline I put in place.

By eating an extra piece of chocolate I was only cheating me.

This was such a revelation to me. Yes, I know this logically and even if I were to examine someone else's life and saw this behavior I would pick up on it instantly but policing my own behavior..not so much. Even worse was the fact that not only did I want the extra chocolate I had an overwhelming urge to hide an eat it. I did neither and opted for a cup of tea instead. By bedtime I gave myself a good pep talk for not indulging and even did I quick yoga session to boot.

Why I do these things or feel this way...I don't know? I can only speculate that after years of being the chubby girl, and especially knowing how people treat heavy women, I don't want to be "that" girl scarfing down huge amounts of food in public with no shame (yes, there is a lot of shame involved!). So the obvious solution is to hide and eat right? Of course not but this is the kind of unconscious lunacy that has held me and my body prisoner for so long.

My ultimate goal is to be able to eat on the "up and up" around friends, family, co-workers and strangers alike. I want to take words like "cheat day" out of my vocabulary. I want to be less concerned about what other people think of my dietary choices. I'm a work in progress. I find solace in knowing each day, and each time I stick to my plan my resolve gets stronger, the decisions get easier and I become more and more free.

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